English Humor Gallery

"George, darling, what is it about me you
find so attractive? Is it my personality?"

     "No."

"Is it my figure?"

     "No."

"Is it my charisma?"

     "No."

"I give in."

     "That's it!"

"No, I've always known how many
pockets I've got."

"Have you ever had an aphrodisiac?" 

"No, but I once went out with a Norwegian girl."

"No kidding? Have you given her description to the police?"

"If I did they'd never believe me!"

A priest on his way to church on Sunday morning passes one of his non-churchgoing male parishioners hard at work on his garden. Unable to resist the temptation to put the man's efforts into some kind of divine perspective on the Sabbath, he says: "Good morning, Mr. Jones! What a magnificent job you and the good Lord have been doing on this garden."

The man looks up, smiles and says: "That's very kind of you, father. But you should have seen what it looked like when the good Lord had it all to himself!"

"Last year I contracted an extremely rare tropical disease."

"Something like the chikungunya virus?"

"No... frostbite."   

"I've always had a particularly soft spot for politicians.

It's a peat bog in the west of Ireland."

"I'm very sorry," begins the first man, "but if it weren't for the moustache you'd look just like my wife!"

"But I don't have a moustache!" protests the other.

"See what I mean?" he replies.

“Is this her first child?” enquires the nurse.

“No, it’s her husband, you idiot!”

A hospital patient wakes up after an operation to see a whole bunch of grim-looking medical staff staring down at him. 

At the other end of the bed, equally grim-faced, stands the surgeon who performed the operation. He looks young and inexperienced. 

"OK, tell me the worst, Doc. Am I going to pull through?"
the patient demands to know.

"Well, I have some bad news....and I have some good news," the surgeon begins.

"Well, t-t-tell me the bad news first," the patient responds in a state of confusion.

"We appear to have amputated the wrong leg."

"Oh, my God, no, no....you haven't?!"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. But cheer up now and let's look on the bright side. The good news is that we won't have to amputate the other leg after all."

"For headaches, feverishness, sore throats and other symptoms of colds or flu, absolutely  nothing acts faster than Panadin Plus!"

"So I'm taking absolutely nothing."

A mother's advice to her daughter about choosing a man:

1. You need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.

2. You need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.

3. You need a man who can make you laugh.

4. You need a man who can satisfy you physically.

5. You need to make absolutely sure that these four men never meet!

Yesterday my girlfriend took me to meet her parents for the very first time. Somehow I don't think I made a very good impression. 

After eying me up and down, the father challenged me: "Tell me, young man, are your intentions toward our daughter honorable or dishonorable?" 

"You mean I have a choice?" I replied.

"No, of course not," he went on, "but you have to understand our daughter is well reared."

"There's nothing much wrong with her front half either," I hastened to assure him.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of tiny lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done about it. She called all the girls to the bathroom for a meeting with the janitor, whose job it was to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate just how arduous this task had become, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors in front of them. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror from top to bottom.

Since that day there have been no further lip prints on the mirror.

A wealthy businessman was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The businessman took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, would you buy some Budweiser with it instead?"

"No, of course not. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Would you use it to gamble with instead of buying food?" 

"No, I never gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Would you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," continued the businessman, "I've decided not to give you the two dollars after all. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm pretty dirty, and I probably smell bad too."

"Don't worry about that," replied the businessman. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser, gambling and golf."

It's shortly after three o'clock in the morning. Far, far from home a dog-tired driver decides to stop by the roadside for a couple of hours' sleep at the wheel of his car. He drops off almost the moment he closes his eyes, but is soon awoken by a man tapping on the window. "I say, you don't happen to know the time, do you?" the stranger asks. 

"It's gone three o'clock," the dazed driver replies. He winds up his window and soon falls back into a deep slumber. 

Half-an-hour later another individual knocks on his window, also demanding to know the time. The driver once again gathers his thoughts and responds that it's just after three-thirty. 

When the same thing happens yet again, the now increasingly irate, sleep-deprived driver raises his voice at the passer-by: "It's four o'clock, for Pete's sake! Why can't you get yourself a decent watch like the rest of us?" 

This time when he winds up the window, he is determined not to be disturbed by anybody anymore for any reason for the rest of the night. Hurriedly he pencils a note with the words "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!". He attaches it to the windshield and drifts off back to sleep again. Not long afterwards the note is spotted by a helpful police officer. He knocks on the man's window to inform him it's five past four.

Waiting there in the garden, she saw him running toward her.

"Jenny! My flower!"

He'd uttered those magic words at last..."Oh, Jack!"

"Jenny, my flower!"

"Oh, Jack! Jack, I love you too!"

Jack finally reached her, knelt down and shoved her out of the way. "My flower! You were standing on my prize-winning rose!"

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson have pitched a tent while on a camping expedition. 

In the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson to question him.

HOLMES: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."

WATSON: "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like the Earth, and if there are a few planets like the Earth out there, then there might also be life, and if..."

HOLMES: "Watson, you idiot! Someone stole our tent."

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, a cup of coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. 

The three bikers came in, seemingly bored and just looking for trouble.
One of them grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it, the second one took a swig of the trucker's coffee and the third one wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word, merely got up, paid the cashier and left.

As soon as he was gone, the bikers started to snicker to one another and congratulate each other on just how "bad" they'd all been. When the waiter finally walked up to them, one of the bikers growled, "He sure wasn't much of a man now was he?"

"He sure isn't much of a driver either," the waiter replied. "Seems he just backed his 18-wheeler over three
Harley-Davidsons!"

Two women sitting in the same compartment of an older train were locked in a heated argument over the window. One of them wanted it up and the other wanted it down. 

In the end the conductor was called in to settle the dispute. Said one: "If the window is up, I won't be able to breathe. I'll suffocate." Said the other: "If the window is down, I'll catch my death of cold." Understandably, the conductor was perplexed.

"Well now, I think the pair of them should be willing to compromise," suggested a businessman who had been forced to spend the entire journey standing up. "Why don't we first have the window up and suffocate No. 1, and then have it down to kill off No. 2? And after that perhaps we'll all get some peace and quiet!"

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. It's mid-afternoon and, apart from the bartender, he has the place pretty much to himself. All of a sudden he hears a soothing voice that says, "Nice suit!" He turns round but there's no one there, and the bartender looks busy cleaning some glasses. A short while later the same soft voice says, "Nice tie!" The man looks round once more and still he doesn't see anyone. Then, when he takes out his mobile to call his boss, the mysterious voice is there again: "Nice phone!" Puzzled and perplexed he turns to the bartender to ask if he'd just said something.

"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. 
Perhaps it was the peanuts. They're complimentary."

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

He asked the waiter: "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied: "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said: "What the hell, I am on vacation. Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied:
 "I am a-sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save for you this remarkable delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: "Si señor. Sometimes the bull wins, you know." 

A highly successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50/50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." 

The son-in-law interrupted him: "I'm afraid I hate factories and I can't stand noise." 

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, in that case you'll just have to work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." 
 

"I hate office work too," said the young man. "I've never been able to put up with being stuck behind a desk all day." 

"Now wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a money-making enterprise. Now you tell me you don't like factories and you don't want to work in an office. What am I supposed to do with you?" 

"That's easy," replied the young man. "Just buy me out!"

A London police officer apprehends a cycling priest for letting go of the handlebars so he could pray while on the move: "I hate to do this, reverend, but I'm going to have to fine you five pounds for cycling without due care on a public highway."

"Oh golly Moses! 
I assure you there was no real danger, officer. Did you not notice how the guiding hand of the good Lord was steering me in and out of the traffic?"

"I can't say I did, sir. But since you come to mention it, that'll be another five pounds for carrying a passenger."

It's 3 o'clock in the morning and a couple are fast asleep when suddenly the phone rings. Half dazed and thoroughly annoyed, the husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? What?.......Well, how the devil do I know? I'm not the blasted weatherman, now am I?" ...and he promptly slams the receiver down — so hard that he breaks it.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that, honey?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, just some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

"Waiter, are those eggs   
 fresh?"

"I wouldn't know, sir. 
 I only lay the tables!"

After four or five minutes I went up to the man at the counter and said, "Great selection, but where are your camouflage jackets?"

"Yes sir, they're awfully good, aren't they?" he replied.

There was once a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was a complete and utter obsession.

One Sunday it was an absolutely perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there was no  wind, there were no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and finally the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him he was too sick to take the Sunday service, he loaded up the car and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Without a care in the world he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at that preacher. I think he should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to the Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it — who can he tell?"